Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Fashion and Beauty Ignominies

I may sound a bit pretentious here, but while resting at home these days, I started to think about these little "crimes" of beauty and fashion that make me really freak out, and worry a bit, and question my very own standards, blah blah. Don't take me wrong though. Maybe I am just not very tolerant, but these things drive me nuts. I must say I am not quite the fashionable lady either, I am too basic in what I wear: jeans, floaty boho skirts, boots or sandals. Things like that. And I dislike anything that is tight, flashy or that clings onto my figure. However I consider these things to be quite elementar and, when I see them, I probably make a funny face and start to wonder how the heck, and why, and with which purpose they are "carried on".

What are they? Let's go then.

- White shoes: I can perfectly understand Kathleen Turner's character's behaviour towards this little piece of fashion heresy in that brilliant flick "Serial Mom". Agreed and signed-off. If I were that psycho, would probably have done the same.

Alternative: nude, buff coloured shoes. Never white. Puh-leease.

- Thongs, tangas, g-strings: how low can people go? I mean literally. Not metaphorically low here. These are not meant to be seen over the waist of your jeans. Or are they? No V-signs, no straps or lacy bits popping out. This is a no-no. Definitely. Well, that's how I think, at least. Not elegant.

In Brasil (they are oh so irreverent there!) they call these "dental floss", easy to see why, no? I don't think it's very hygienic either. And not comfortable. If a normal pair of knickers can become hell if they get - sorry for being so explicit now - "stuck" between one's buttocks, I cannot figure how knickers that are purposedly designed to really stick in there may be of any comfort. Rather a self-inflicted punishment.

Are they really supposed to eliminate VPL's (aka "Visible Panty Lines")? Don't think so. I've seen many a lady walking in front of me with, let's say, linen trousers and thongs underneath. Were they hiding anything? Afraid not. Actually it only made things worse, especially those with cellulitis in their buttocks. Very wobbly, very visible, very hypnotic almost. To hide anything (including panty lines), go for a Spanx. Hide, conceal, tuck - everything in one package. And they will not stick "there", uninvited. At least.

Alternative: boyshorts. These are low-waist knickers, and super-comfy. You can even get cute Hello Kitty ones. The best. Ever. Period.

- Clothes that are too tight: hey, clothes are meant to be worn comfortably. Ideally, they should be one's very own "official" size, maybe 1/2 point larger (if that's possible). Never buy smaller sizes thinking "I can always lose some weight and that will be perfect". No. Forget it. Easy to alter your clothes than alter yourself, right?

- Very short tees + very low waisted trousers or skirts = very apparent belly, not very composed look.

- Trousers dragging on the streets: a phenomena very common here in Dublin, especially among teens and young adults. The seams get awfully dirty, black in some cases, several shades of gray in others. Again, not hygienic at all. Think about it: it means you carry home all those unwelcome guests (bacteria in general, fecal coliforms more specifically etc). It does mean if these bacteria were homeless before, now, thanks to this new transportation method, they can find a home. Yes, dragged directly to the peace of your home! And your body! Seriously now: who wants that? Yeuck...

- Visible Lip Liner and Very Visible Lip Liner: whoa, whoa, whoa... Stop there. Who wants to look like Batman's arch-enemy??? Hhhhmmmm... Afraid not. Light to medium-coloured lips with a seriously darker contour. That is freaky. Why not something the same colour of the lipstick? Or nude? Or just lipstick, lipstain, gloss, whatever, with no lining? Why... why not???

I once went to the Clinique counter in a very hip department store here in Dublin. The sales rep (how could she dare, tell me?) had indeed such visibly-lined-lips. Scary. She was a nice, young blond lady and started to talk to me through those l-i-p-s. I only had eyes for them, which seemed big, and bigger, and biggest. However, I could not quite hear what she was saying. All I could see was the lips, horribly magnified and lined, muttering some unintelligible words right to my face, slow-motion. The sound of these words? Think about a female Dart Vader. Or a Warlock. Or the Big Boss on that scary video-game. I just showed her a piece of paper with the name of a product scribbled on it, could not even talk. That was it. Spooky.

Alternative: skip lip liner, or go for the nude ones.

I guess that's it for today. I know I sounded quite nasty, but maybe I am in a bad mood, being sick and all. Sorry if by any chance any of you-my-17-readers just love the looks, but I needed to talk about it, vent a bit...

Good night/time to inject myself,


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