Wednesday, May 10, 2006

In the GP today...

I went to my GP today, because I had the flu since last week and wanted to get a certificate and talk to him about my annoying and constant illnesses. We were expecting for the results of an ultrassound of my gallbladder since the 11th of April. The results never arrived and today he phoned Radiology in St. Vincent's Hospital to see what was the story. They read it to him and it turns out that I have "multiple gallstones".

Dr. Kavanagh explained to me that I need to pay attention and see if I get any pains, because since it's "multiple" stones there is a risk for the gallbladder to burst and thus for me to get a bad infection as a result. He was amazed that the Hospital did not send him the results until now, of course. He also explained that I might need to go into surgery, but he doesn't know how the surgery would be, ie, which method should be used. So, he gave me a referral letter and the name of the specialist (surgeon) that will evaluate the situation.

I was a bit anxious because I never had a surgery in my life. I mean, I had one once, when I was 10. I was born with a small tumour in my tongue and, when I was about 9-10, it started to bleed constantly. That's why I got the surgery, so it could be sent to biopsy. It was not malignant, of course. I had local anesthesia for a surgery that was supposed to be performed with general anesthesia. Why was that? I refused to get "asleep" during the procedure because I saw my Father years before, when he came out of an operation and was very shocked, since he looked dead. I never forgot that image. I Really thought if I got the general anesthesia I could die while asleep, never wake up, things like that. And since that age, I hated the idea of leaving things "undone", unresolved, unachieved. And to leave people "waiting for me" somehow. I was afraid of not showing up in that specific case.

My Father stayed with me for the operation, holding my hand all the time. I still remember that. It was quite bad and painful afterwards, I've lost lots of blood, for it seems the tongue is very irrigated. But he was there all the time and I had the strength to go on with that thing, thanks to him. I did not cry, I did not move, and could only thing about "not falling asleep" and show some guts. Now, these thoughts are back. I don't even know if I need a surgery with general anesthesia yet, but the thought of that really creeps me out.

I will only see the specialist on June 14th, after coming back from Italy. I will try and not think very much about it, really!

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